Childless

This is Presidents Day weekend, Sarah’s birthday weekend. We are planning to go out to dinner on Sunday with Sarah’s tutor, who we were all close to, but have vague “we’ll do something” plans for Monday. Perhaps I will get a pedicure with purple or pink polish.

This morning I read a BBC News article which explained the difference between “child-free” couples, who apparently are celebrating their lifestyle, and childless couples, which is what we are now. Child-free couples consciously decided to never have children and do not want to live or socialize around them. Childless couples want children in the future or hope to have them or were affected by social or medical circumstances. Unfortunately, says the BBC, academic research tends to lump both groups together although they have very different experiences and attitudes. Well, I would think so.

I still want to be around kids to whatever extent is natural and I like seeing pictures of my friends’ kids. A lot of people ask us if we stay in touch with Sarah’s friends and the answer is yes and no. Most of Sarah’s long-term friends were also special needs and most of the contact was parent-to-parent. Sarah’s BFF since kindergarten was Aisatu, a little girl she met in her Augmentative Communication Class who made a beeline for her with her walker and hugged and kissed her. They maintained a friendship through the years although they weren’t in the same school after Second Grade. They went to ballet together and did play dates and birthday parties up until COVID. Aisatu came to Sarah’s funeral and I’m still in touch with her mom. I love her and miss her.

Starting in Sixth Grade Sarah formed a special friendship that evolved into something of a romance/boyfriend relationship with Danny, another special needs kid. They were together at the same school through Ninth Grade and would have continued at the same school through the end of high school. We loved Danny, who had Down Syndrome, and Sarah adored him. They liked to go the movies, to Facetime, to make presents for each other at Build-a-Bear, and silly JibJabs, and Danny wrote Sarah some really nice notes telling her he loved her that she put up next to her bed where she could see them.

Toward the end of Ninth Grade we also received news from the school that Sarah seemed to be forming a quasi-romantic attachment with Sammy, another kid in the class who was in fact Danny’s best friend. We were pretty surprised, but neither my husband nor I had dated when we were in high school so Sarah was really showing us the ropes in this area. Sammy’s parents contacted us and invited us over for dinner and to share Sammy’s birthday cake and we were delighted to go. The four parents had a great evening discussing the kids, who spent all their time on their phone and ipad respectively. Sammy’s parents told us that he had been attached to Jessica, another girl in the class, since Sixth Grade, and we explained about Sarah and Danny. Apparently Sammy and Sarah were more of a back-up arrangement to the main attachments. I marveled at Sarah’s ability to play the field and juggle multiple relationships.

When Sarah died suddenly it was the week before school was about to start and many families were away, catching a last few days of vacation. We reached out to the families of kids she went to school with but a lot of the special needs kids were scared and upset. Danny’s parents said they were trying to persuade him to come over with flowers but he was too scared. I told them not to push him. I have not heard from them since then. Sammy’s parents said they would be at the funeral but we did not see them there. They both work full-time and I don’t blame them for not taking that Monday off; they probably couldn’t.

It’s hard to lose these kids too as well as Sarah. We loved them and we delighted in their relationships with Sarah. They were part of our life too.