Clouds

Sometimes I wonder if I should play the Dead Child Card more and just take a break from responsibility for a while. Just excuse myself from having to wear clean clothes, brush my hair, exercise and eat a balanced diet, because I have a Dead Child, you know. Why would I be able to function normally? But I can’t really bring myself to do that.

What always comes into my mind is a bit of an old story I once read of how Sigmund Freud said that work was a tonic for him after his son died in World War I. I do feel that work is very grounding and stabilizing right now, particularly the tasks I can do with a kind of unconscious competence. What else is stabilizing? Very hot showers. Coffee in the morning.

I’m not entirely sure why I feel so bad right now. Maybe because summer is coming and Sarah died during the summer. What will it be like when this is no longer the first year without Sarah, but the second, and the third, and the rest of our lives?

There is so much accidental and arbitrary death. People lose their lives for no reason at all. Illness and tragedy strike. How could I have known that was the last time I would see Sarah, last August, when I left for my trip? I just wish I had held her in my arms and never let her go.

What was death like for Sarah? I hope there were a lot of people warmly welcoming her wherever she went. I think of her grandmothers. There would also be her friend Chrissy, her friend Gabby, her friend Leon, her classmate Samantha from PEP, and Lucy, another little girl we know who died of a genetic disorder. Nick, her elementary school classmate. There would be Harry, our beagle who died of lymphoma. Nahid, Leila’s mother, who died of breast cancer. Sarah’s Uncle Ted and her cousin Ethan. Our next door neighbor Edna. My law school classmate Terri’s daughter who died around the same time as Sarah of heart issues. My law school boyfriend’s son. Rick Siegel, my old boss, who told Sarah to call him Zayde. My friend Susan’s husband. Dr. Z’s son and daughter.