Witches

This morning I woke up feeling somewhere between okay and pretty good for once. Not fantastic or super-pumped, but stable and not on the edge of tears all the time like I have been so much lately. Hmmm. Now I just have to get out ahead of myself before I start feeling guilty about feeling okay.

Is it okay to have fun, relax, and have some good times when you have a Dead Child? Max keeps telling me that Sarah would want me to be happy. That she was a positive and extremely happy person and we should honor her memory by walking in her path. I think he has a point, to a certain extent, although this advice tends to remind me of the repressive way that people treated grieving children in the 1920s and that whole era. Don’t you dare cry! She wouldn’t want you to cry!

Sarah showed whatever feelings she had, good or bad, and she was mostly pretty happy and joyful, but she could get upset too. She was frightened by random things. I remember a scary Halloween decoration of a witch in Safeway that caused her to scream and cry quite hysterically for a few minutes and I had to take her outside the store while Max spoke to the manager and had it removed. In general she liked witches and magical characters. This one must have shocked her somehow.

It reminds me of how Sarah’s friend Leila would get scared and anxious for years by people singing the “Happy Birthday” song at ballet or school, and she would cry and get upset. Then, Leila reached a point where she mastered this fear and it didn’t bother her anymore.

Am I mastering my fears? No, probably not. I still am afraid everyone I care about is going to wake up dead. I guess it’s going to take more time for this one to get better, but possibly it won’t get better either. We’ll just have to see.