I started watching a documentary yesterday on MAX (yes, we finally are able to get it) about a young Ukrainian girl with disabilities who was adopted by an Indiana family who then gave up on her and basically tried to dump her in a strange town without any resources. It’s called The Curious Case of Natalia Grace. It was well done in the sense that you, the viewer, are constantly questioning who is in the right here, who is telling the truth. But I have to say I am firmly on Team Natalia so far. (I have a couple of episodes to go.)
Her “parents” seemed to reject her the night they adopted her at Age 6 when they gave her a bath and discovered she had pubic hair, and subsequently found that she had her period regularly and she was hiding socks and other improvised hygiene products or throwing them out the window. It baffles me that this couple (who billed themselves as Special Need Experts because one of their sons had high-functioning autism) had never heard of precocious/delayed puberty in girls with genetic disorders (which is what affected Natalia). In fact, I don’t know how reasonable and educated Special Needs Parents could NOT have known about precocious puberty. It’s kind of willful ignorance.
Among the Special Needs Moms groups I belonged to, age of puberty for girls was always a hot topic, as was whether this or that event could be a sign of puberty. Sarah and her friend Leila were both on the delayed end of the spectrum. Leila got her period at age 19 and it was hot news. Sarah for a long time looked very, very childlike and didn’t enter puberty and adolescence until about age 15, when she got her first period at about 15 and a half. But there were girls we knew in real life and on line with periods at age 7 or 8 or even younger.
If Natalia’s adopted family really didn’t want to deal with her period or didn’t feel she was ready to deal with it emotionally and responsibly at Age 6, which is totally understandable, they could have easily spoken to a doctor about her taking birth control pills or having a birth control implant. Many Special Needs Families opt for this route for convenience, and also to provide peace of mind that their daughters are protected against pregnancy.
We did not do this. Sarah had only a few periods when she died, and it wasn’t a big deal for us. I was surprised, frankly, at the number of (I guess) well-meaning people who said to me something like “You’d better get her on the pill” when I happily mentioned that Sarah had started her first period, when I was expecting a Mazel Tov or Congratulations. I wonder if this is normal nowadays, or if this was a reaction to Sarah’s disability. It struck me as a little bit of an overreaction, since Sarah was never alone and wore a pull-up anyway. Certainly we, her family, didn’t find dealing with her period to be a big deal.
But back to Natalia. It’s hard to tell what was really going on with this kid. She definitely had some conduct issues related to attachment, but again, wouldn’t her adoptive family have expected that a Ukrainian orphan would have a hard time attaching and trusting people? That she might stir the pot, so to speak, with siblings and create scenarios that would test family dynamics and seek to prove and test her new parents’ love with extreme conduct? I would think one would expect all that from an adoptee — wouldn’t the average pamphlet on adoption tell you that? I don’t get what they thought would happen.
Okay, okay, the documentary did cause me to spin out fantasies of adopting this girl, because of course Max and I would have been much better parents for her. In my head, she is living with us and sleeping in Sarah’s room right now. It’s okay if she’s a little destructive and acts out, because that’s to be expected, and we are getting her some very good therapy for that. Also, she needs physical therapy for her disability and many trips to Kennedy-Krieger to monitor her genetic disorder and we are perfectly set up for that and our house is ramped and all. My fantasy children bring me so much joy.
The First Year Without Sarah 