Women at Work

My Dad and I talked on the phone yesterday like we do most Saturday mornings and he asked me if I was still feeling sad. I know he meant well by the question, and was referring to that particularly depressed period I had a short while ago and not to my grief in general, but I don’t know how to respond to those kinds of questions. I think I will feel sad forever.

Still, I don’t want to be some kind of Gloomy Gus, bringing everyone down all the time or inserting Sarah’s name into situations and conversations when the mood is high and light. It’s just that I’m thinking about her a lot, even when I’m having a pretty good time or when I’m laughing and talking about something else. She’s the little presence in the room, just as she was often a little quiet presence in the room when she was still alive, looking at her iPad while we had guests or playing Minecraft while we ate dinner.

Some days it’s not so hard to balance her presence and her absence, both at the same time. Other days the sadness overwhelms me. I just can’t predict what I will feel on any particular day. I’ve had a string of pretty good days for the last week. I try to look for a pattern or reason why I might feel better so I can reinforce that but I’m not sure. I was working very hard this last week and maybe that helped. Feeling supported by Dr. Z also helped too.

I had to give a presentation this week to a group at work and it seemed to go pretty well. You know, the full PowerPoint with questions at the end. When I’m doing something like this I can block out my feelings about being The Mother of a Dead Child and just keep my tone light and bright and push forward. It’s almost like compartmentalizing myself. I guess that’s a good thing; it feels like a survival skill. It feels sometimes like a betrayal of Sarah to be able to function this well, but things have to get done. Sarah understood that Mommy had work to do.

When I was pregnant with Sarah, I bought and framed a poster I found online, I think it was from India, called Women at Work. It’s bright and colorful and it shows women in a variety of occupations from airline pilot through teacher. It’s still hanging in her room. I think she liked looking at it.