I really haven’t felt much like writing lately, which is a big change from the first three months of the blog, when I felt like I was bursting with creative energy. I have felt down on my writing, that it’s stupid, silly, and First World nonsense about nothing at all. As opposed to the first few months of writing the Blog, when I felt that I was creating something profound and meaningful, possible bestseller material.
I imagined myself submitting excerpts from the Madame Tootsie Bagel blog to a publisher, and getting a publishing contract from a major company, possibly Simon and Schuster. My fantasies extended so far as becoming a minor media celebrity on my first book tour, and reading excerpts in various chic, progressive, non-chain bookstores throughout small cities and towns with liberal arts colleges and good fan-and-fern restaurants with fun menus and interesting, intimate dessert establishments. Possibly Oprah would pick up the book and then my life would change completely, of course. Max and I could set up some sort of foundation in Sarah’s name, and I would retire, and perhaps there would be some sort of lecture or speaking tour. I would be making television appearances, and need some sort of consultant to deal with my hair, which is really impossible, and help me pick out clothes in some sort of Coastal Chic manner. I would be on the Boards of a lot of charities and organizations, and probably travel a great deal and have a chef.
Well. It’s nice to have such a rich fantasy life. I’m not sure why I’m so down on myself right now. I did read an article this morning online about how ants (I think it was ants, but maybe it was flies) who are exposed to other dead ants tend to die more quickly. Maybe just the trauma of dealing with death makes you more depressed, vulnerable, and downcast. Or maybe the live ants just wanted to be with their dead loved ones.
I did take a step yesterday, at least I think it was a step. I found out that there really is an actual organization that gives out Mom Hugs to gay and trans kids at Pride events. It’s called Free Mom Hugs and it’s a 501(c)(3) organization. So I filled out their volunteer application for the chapter in my state. I also found out when the next meeting of Compassionate Friend is in our area. Max and I are going to go to that.
The First Year Without Sarah 