Talks

Since I got back from my road trip, Max and I have been talking more, hanging out more, and trying to connect more. We had a couple of intense telephone conversations while I was on the road, and I registered some issues with him that have been bothering me. Like his tendency to tell me “Sarah wouldn’t want you to cry” when I’m feeling tearful and griefy. It’s true that Sarah didn’t like to see me get upset and she very much liked to see happy smiling faces around her, but telling me this isn’t helpful when I’m sobbing. So I told him not to do that anymore and he said he wouldn’t.

Max and I have also talked about having a foster child come live with us. We haven’t talked about this idea in quite a while, since right after Sarah died, but it’s been a common thread in my fantasy life. I usually fantasize about fostering a trans or gay kid who was thrown out of their home, but Max thinks we should stick to kids with disabilities since we have a proven track record there. I had a dream a few weeks ago with Sarah telling me that she didn’t want anyone else living in her bedroom, but I thought maybe a kid would like to live in the spare bedroom on the second floor of our house. It’s a small bedroom (now being used for my clothes) but the child could be close to us which might be reassuring.

On the other hand, we might be turned down as foster parents if we try. Perhaps we would be seen as too near to Sarah’s death, and just doing this to try to compensate for our grief. I feel like it might be a Catch-22, that if we were honest and open about ourselves and all our motivations, we would be rejected as wanting to be foster parents in order to fill up the space that Sarah has left behind. Sort of like we were thrown out of the Grief Group for being open and honest about our feelings.

Doesn’t everyone has mixed motives for becoming a parent, some selfish, some altruistic, some whatever? I feel like raising Sarah healed a lot of my anger and angst with my own parents about my own upbringing. Raising her made me realize my parents weren’t always acting deliberately in stressful situations, just doing the best they could, most of the time, while also juggling work and their parents and their inner conflicts.

I guess this is an issue to be researched carefully and slowly. Max and I joked about going down to a showroom or looking at a catalogue and picking out which kid we wanted, but it’s obviously not like that. There would probably be background checks and exams and certifications in CPR and so forth. Well, we did take a number of classes before Sarah arrived. Childbirth and Baby Care. Lots to mull over.