Control

Did I do much of anything yesterday? The cleaners came, so I tried to get out of the house and out of their way, and I bought some bagels, and I just drove around for a while. Part of me still really feels this strong urge to go — somewhere — but I have no idea where. There’s no place I particularly want to go. Just like part of me always seems to feel a restless urge to be eating something these days, even though food doesn’t taste good and isn’t satisfying.

I did interact very appropriately and nicely (Gold Star for me!) with one of my neighbors when we encountered each other walking our dogs. Polly and Bogie have grown up together and were happy to see each other. Steve, the owner, sold his house a few weeks ago and I thought he had left the neighborhood. He went through a divorce. But apparently he is spending the summer house-sitting with Bogie in another house near the neighborhood park. So we walked and talked.

Other than that I felt pretty withdrawn and prickly yesterday. I’ve been fighting a battle at work for a couple months over my advice on a certain action, sticking to my guns, and yesterday I just felt like it was time to lay down my Howitzer on that one. Not worth this much energy. I don’t know if this is a symptom of my depression or a mature act on my part recognizing the limits of my role and so forth.

I think Max would say that it’s important for all of us to learn that we’re not the center of the universe and we can’t control everything. That a lot of anxiety and depression comes from feelings of wanting to be in total control of everything. Which we can’t be. Our higher power is. This is where he tends to lose me and I fade out because it’s just too 12-Steppy. But I see his point about not being able to control everything. I am a control freak who feels like I have to handle everything or it won’t be right.

Sometimes I just want to stop doing everything. Stop walking the dog, stop working, stop answering my phone and email, stop going out. Stop brushing my teeth and showering. I just want to get in bed. What stops me? Well, we have a Compassionate Friends meeting on July 13. And the intake meeting for Kennedy Krieger foster care on July 19. And then Max is supposed to have back surgery on July 20 or 21. And work is depending on me. And my Dad is moving down here in September. And and and.