Time Off

I worried that yesterday I just kind of phoned in the blog post that I wrote and I felt crappy about it all day. My mind was on Max and his surgery for his back and I wasn’t really thinking too much about Sarah, my loss, my depression, the nature of grief — all the crap that usually spins through my head. I felt guilty too, for taking time off from memories of her, for staying in the present. For functioning.

Max’s surgery went fine and was a success, according to the doctor when he phoned me to let me know I could pick Max up. Max was very uncomfortable yesterday and in pain and he moved from the lounge chair, to the couch, to the rocking chair, to the floor, trying to find a better position for his back and using a heating pad. He couldn’t rest in bed because that was too painful. It was really hard to see him in so much pain. He’s sleeping now and I hope he sleeps until late in the morning. I wish I could take the pain away with some special power, but I don’t have any special powers.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I can “take time off” from missing Sarah and concentrate on Max and his pain and his surgery recovery when he needs me. Maybe it’s a sign of recovery that I didn’t have much to talk about yesterday, that I was pre-occupied with a real life situation. I was out there functioning in the world. Grieving Sarah is a huge responsibility but maybe I can take some time off every once in a while.