Compensatory Routines

I was thinking about some random doctor we saw sometime over the years with Sarah for an evaluation. Don’t remember why, who, where anymore. I just remember a brief squib of conversation with her about Sarah. She was asking questions about Sarah’s development, and as always we were saying that Sarah had great social skills, that despite being nonverbal she had real people skills and other kids liked being around her. “Yes, she has a lot of compensatory routines,” replied the doctor. Compensatory routines?? I wondered if that’s how she referred to her own children’s cute little mannerisms and interactions with other kids. I remember feeling so angry, as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. Can’t Sarah get some credit?

I had a long dream last night about an old friend. I saw her waiting at a bus stop and I swung the car around to pick her up, and then I was wrecking her art show (she’s an art teacher) and trying to leave her school, but the only exit was a tiny space where all these mothers and daughter pairs were trying to come into the school, whereas I was trying to force my way out and I was hurting them. Am I angry at other mothers and daughters? Sometimes it’s easier to be angry than it is to be in tears.

I arranged for an In Memoriam for Sarah to run in The Washington Post. I keep thinking about it and crying. But I feel mostly numb. Nothing feels good. I did get out to a bookstore and buy some books and I’m actually reading one. I get a gold star for that. We are going away in a couple of days to the Jersey Shore. Gold star. I slept until 5:22 today. Gold star. I am functional and it’s August. Gold star. My compensatory routines are working.