Our Yahrzeit candle for Sarah ended up burning until last night. We lit it on Friday night, the anniversary of her death, and it lasted until Wednesday. Is this a miracle on the order of Hanukkah? Should I contact the Jewish Vatican? Probably not. We didn’t buy an authentic “Yahrzeit” candle from a Jewish store, we bought a glass candle from the Latino section of the grocery store. I’ve bought them before and I don’t remember them lasting this long, but I don’t think there was anything supernatural about it.
Still, it’s nice to think that Sarah was present in that little flame. Especially since I’m trying to find a balance between keeping her memory alive at all times and being depressed and tearful. I want to be able to be busy, productive, even happy and giggly sometimes, without kicking myself in the ass all the time for forgetting my child. I have to say that guilt is one of the worst aspects of grief. I feel like no matter where I end up on the emotional map, I’m wrong.
I read a quote on one of those grieving websites the other day, to the effect that you don’t just lose your child, you lose yourself as well. This isn’t new ground; I’ve written about this feeling before. Who am I now, what is my life supposed to be without Sarah at its center? But also, what is my emotional space and center? Am I allowed to be happy now?
Should I be like one of those old European women from small villages in the early 1900’s who wore all-black outfits from head to toe, and attended Mass several times a day to pray for the dead? Should I look like an old woman at 59? Is my life over? Of course, it’s not, but I’m trying to figure these things out.
The First Year Without Sarah 