As more and more time passes since Sarah dies, it makes me feel out of control. When I see that kids born in and around 2006 are turning 17 and 18, I don’t understand how that can be. I feel like I can’t hold on to what was. I can’t keep things constant in my mind. Life starts to feel like it’s running away from me. I’m scared.
Last night I had the sort of dream I seem to have a lot. I was driving my car from the back seat. I couldn’t stop it, because I couldn’t reach the brakes, and it was out of control. I was trying to steer into an embankment to slow it down.
I noticed last summer when I took my spontaneous road trip to Cincinnati and I was crossing the Allegheny Mountains that a lot of the long downhill slopes would have a “Runaway Truck” sign pointing to an uphill slope or a grade. It was reassuring to know that there was some pre-planned measure for people whose lives were completely out of control. I wish there were some sort of Runaway Truck measure in my life right now. Maybe some sort of off-ramp where I can just go and process my grief, anger, and grouchiness without hurting myself or others.
The First Year Without Sarah 