My mood is pretty poor these days and it makes me not want to inflict myself on an audience. When I first started this blog, I pictured turning it into a book. There would be a beginning, where I was in deep mourning about Sarah, then I would start to feel better, and develop a lot of insights about death and grief, and finally there would be some sort of natural end point to blogging because I had moved on with my life and “found something fulfilling.”
I don’t think it’s going to work that way. I think I’m just going to continue to have really shitty periods, and then moderately okay periods, and possibly some upbeat periods. This is not going to be like an Afterschool Special where I get over my problem once and for all. There’s just going to be a lot of days where I don’t particularly care if I’m alive or not. Days when I feel very very grouchy and unsettled.
Have I talked about this before? It all sounds fairly boring and obvious to me. I’m sorry this is turning into such a shitty read. Dr. Z would say that’s my depression talking. Maybe I should call him. Tomorrow is Halloween and I really don’t feel like answering the door to a bunch of kids in costumes and their doting parents. But maybe there’s a chance that Sarah will be somewhere out there among them, somehow. She loved Halloween so much. It would be so nice if she showed up for a little visit.
The First Year Without Sarah 