Badge

I kind of cried my way through the Compassionate Friends meeting yesterday. When we arrived at the meeting, we were given personalized badges that were made for us by one of the group leaders who does this sort of thing for the newish members. They are just plastic badges with clips on them, and there’s a picture of Sarah and theb it says on the badge “Elizabeth – Sarah’s Mom.” The same thing for Max with Sarah’s Dad.

It’s a nice tradition. During the breaks in the meeting, when you walk around and talk to the people you’ve become a bit close to, you can see the faces of the dead children they’ve been discussing on their badges if they choose to wear them and it makes them more real.

So when they gave us these badges to put on, I looked down on Sarah’s happy face and the words “Sarah’s Mom,” and it just started me off on a crying jag that lasted through most of the meeting. I wasn’t sure if seeing the badge made her seem real to me or more dead to me. I think it was the “Sarah’s Mom” part that set me off the most.

I just sat and cried, and people near me in the circle passed some of the multiple boxes of kleenex to me. A lot of the discussion was how to cope with grief during the upcoming holidays. One member recommended to tell your family and friends something like ‘It’s okay to talk about Dead Child, I don’t mind.’ Personally, I don’t see that really working out or producing a round of stories about Sarah. Maybe because she was special needs, so many Sarah stories live in Max and my hearts and memories alone.

Luckily for my emotional state the meeting devolved into a somewhat boring group discussion of whether we should have a group scrapbook with pictures of our kids and whether it should be digital or not. Max and I agreed it wasn’t the best grief group meeting we had been to, but I’m still glad we went. I really need to be active right now. Dr. Z wants to me to get out every day, to walk, to do things outside the house, to talk to people. and try a new anti-depressant.