Bright-siding

I should pay attention to ways I am doing better lately and try to remember that I’m actually improving. Although I still cry every day, and think about Sarah all the time, and wonder why the world doesn’t think about her too, I am able to do some of the things again that I used to take pleasure in.

For instance, after Sarah died, I stopped doing the New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle. I just didn’t find it fun anymore, even though I had done it for years and years. I just threw it away every week without looking at it. About a month ago, I decided to pick it up and try it again. I had a phobia that it would be too hard for me and I wouldn’t know how to do it. But I worked my way through it the same way as usual and got it solved. The next week I did it again, and I’ve done it for a whole month now.

I’m trying to go back to other things that used to give me pleasure too. Crocheting afghans was once my gig while I watched TV. I dropped that, and have had an afghan half-finished for about six or eight months now. I need to pick it back up.

I know I need to find new things too to give me pleasure, but it feels so hard. Talking to people seems to have become a big deal. I’d rather not deal with the “getting to know you” phase. I worry about my ability to carry on normal conversations sometimes. What do normal people talk about? Their children and grandchildren, I guess. Work. Politics. The weather. Their pets. Book, movies, and television. Traffic.

I have done fine in social situations with people I know well. Thanksgiving. Going to the movies last weekend with Max and our friend Rafael. I need to keep looking at the ways I am doing okay. It’s enough for now.