Multiverse

I still get a bit of a shock and a disappointment when I look at the photos on my iPhone and realize there are no new photos of Sarah. There are photos of the trips Max and I have taken since Sarah died, but I’m not a big photographer. Most of the photos on my phone were always of Sarah. She was such a good subject, always smiling, and she loved to have her picture taken. 

Max kind of has a grimace on his face when he has to have his picture taken. Like me, he’s self-conscious. At Max’s parents’ home there are high school graduation photos of him and his four brothers on display, large 8 by 10 photos in frames. His four brothers took fairly nice photos and smiled, but the one of him has a little sneer or smirk on his face. It’s an odd photo. The lighting is off and he looks much swarthier than he actually is. It’s hard to recognize him.

I always tell Max I wish I had known him as a teenager, but he says I wouldn’t have liked him, he was a stoner and a not-very-nice guy. He didn’t really develop into the intellectual and thoughtful person he is until he entered alcohol rehab at age 19. It’s amazing how much people change in their teenage years.

I can’t help but wonder how much Sarah would have changed in the last 17 months. How she would look, what would her interests be now? Would her physical decline have accelerated? Would she still be the same happy wonderful girl? If I had stayed home in August, would she have died anyway? Died again another time? And who would I be today? There’s no way to answer these questions.