Support

Max made the comment the other day regarding our grieving process that he wishes I had more support. He benefits from having a number of people in his AA meeting that have dead children, and they check in with him regularly and talk about Sarah, and give him good support. He’s offered to introduce me to them. I met some of them at the funeral and shiva, and they are nice people, but I don’t feel like establishing ties to them. It’s too much work.

I guess I have a hard time with relationships right now. I’m not able to deal with small talk, and I feel a lot of impatience and boredom with other people, which isn’t their fault. But I also feel impatience and boredom when I’m by myself as well. 

I want support, but I’m not sure how that would look. I guess just approaching me as Sarah’s mom, and talking about what a wonderful girl she was. I do hear from people who let me know that they think about Sarah and me every day, and that feels good. Silent support is reassuring.

I’m not going to pretend I’m an easy person to deal with right now. I’m a handful. When you catch me on a day when my anger and my guilt and my depression and my crazy and everything else are at maximum surge, I can hardly look at other people. 

But most days I manage a facade of normalcy. I’m fully oriented to time, place, and person. I’m napping less. I’m staying up later. I went to the eye doctor and the dentist last week. I’m taking care of me.