Body Issues

I started Weight Watchers again yesterday, or as they refer to themselves, WW. It feels like the hundredth time, and while it’s comfortable and comforting to return to this “way of eating,” it makes me sad too that I’ve basically been struggling with weight and body image on and off since I was eight years old. I’m so used to thinking that restricting my eating = control = good person, and eating what I want = out of control = bad person.

I got on the scale yesterday morning and I really expected that I had gained just massive amounts of weight since Sarah had died. I mentally prepared myself to think that I weighed a shocking amount. But the reality is that I have gained about fifteen pounds. I’m actually down a few pounds from last summer. I don’t know how that happened.

I read an article online by a nutritionist who said that when her clients go on a diet, she asks them how much weight they intend to gain. Because diets ultimately, she believes, make people gain weight in the long run. It’s hard to keep the weight off and then you yo-yo and gain weight. I do see her point.

Even if I lose those fifteen pounds, I know I will still be very critical of my body. The only time I really loved my body was when I was pregnant with Sarah. I loved my pregnant physique. I felt very happy and content with what my body was all about. It was a lovely time.