Parakeet Lady

I had my first meeting with the Parakeet Lady yesterday, my new talk therapist. The parakeets were not in the room or maybe she covered up their cage because I did not hear them. I told her all about Sarah, and her death, and she asked me a lot of questions about her, her development, the history of her diagnosis, her likes and dislikes, our relationship, what we liked to do together, and so forth. Some questions were painful to answer.

She asked me how I explained Sarah’s disability to her. That brought back a lot of talks with Sarah, and I’m not sure I always did a good job, and I felt guilty. I explained to Sarah what “cerebral palsy” was (we didn’t know about her genetic disorder when she was little) and we read several books about it and about kids who had it and so forth. But a lot of times we talked about how it wasn’t fair that she had CP. And other kids didn’t. That was a big issue for her. When I would put a voice to that thought, she would cry deeply. And I would hold her and say yes, you’re right, it’s not fair. And I would make sure she knew that it wasn’t because she did anything wrong or bad. It was just because of no reason at all. Some people have disabilities or illnesses.

Anyway, the Parakeet Lady and I talked, and covered the main issues right now. Feeling unmotivated. Feeling uncentered. Feeling unable to move forward. Prolonged grief. Inability to meet new people due to death stigma. Inability to connect with old friends. Inchoate anger. Guilt.

I can’t say I felt an immediate bond with her or anything but I will continue next week. I just want this to be helpful.