Today I was asked what stage of grief I’m in. I really have no clue. Am I a veteran griever at this point? I still feel like I’m in denial sometimes. I feel angry, I feel depressed, I feel guilty. Who knows.
I’m at the stage where everything is about Sarah. I scroll through my Facebook looking for things that remind me of her. I look for TV shows about grief, death, dead children, the afterlife, and missing kids. I look for books like that too. Why isn’t everything about her? What else is there? What else is interesting?
I did have a reasonably good time this weekend seeing my friend and getting manicures together and seeing my brother who was in town. It’s possible to lift myself up. I just feel like such a death junkie sometimes. I expect everyone to die. If Max sleeps late, I assume he’s dead. Same for Polly if she’s taking a nap and doesn’t come running when I open the fridge.
Sometimes I wish we had a grave for Sarah instead of cremating her, although I know cremation was the best decision. I really wish I dreamed of her more often.
The First Year Without Sarah 