So here I am feeling a bit better right now and thinking fewer guilty thoughts and ruminating less about the day of Sarah’s death. I really hope this lasts and is a trend rather than a cycle. Grief tends to come in waves and I guess it’s inevitable that I will get down again, but I do think I’ve turned a corner, somewhere.
I started swimming laps at our new Aquatic Center in my town in order to give my wrist some more physical therapy and strengthening. It made me realize that I really haven’t been in a pool by myself, just to really swim, in water over my head, in years, really since before Sarah was born. Doctors used to ask me what I did for exercise and I said I swam several times a week, but I didn’t really swim, I took Sarah into the pool, held her, played with her, encouraged her to kick her feet and splash her arms and play. It was exercise, but it wasn’t the kind of solo swimming I do now that’s enjoyable because it sort of clears your mind and thoughts.
I missed this. I used to swim laps before Sarah was born, not all the time, but from time to time. It’s good to have this back.
Is it scary to say that there are positive effects to my child dying or not being here anymore? To say to myself, I have the freedom to go to the pool now and only think about me. Yes, it’s scary. It’s a huge step.
It makes me think of a time when Sarah was a little infant, a few weeks old, and I was talking to my mom on the phone, telling her how great everything was going. My mom must have picked up on something — she had a strong bullshit meter — and she said to me “You know, it’s okay to have negative feelings too. This isn’t easy.” I cried then.
So I’m trying to wrestle with the new, and the fact that it’s okay that it may be better than the old in some ways. That’s okay. It may make me anxious, but I have to deal with that.
The First Year Without Sarah 