Newness

I wish I could dream about Sarah. I’ve only really had a couple of dreams about her, other than the drug-induced feeling she was holding my hand when I broke my wrist. I had one dream where she was telling me she wanted me to love again, and another dream where I was holding her and swaying and rocking her. Both of those dreams were over a year ago.

My dreams that I remember are about finding myself in graduate school in some nameless place and being unprepared. I don’t know what I’m studying or where I’m supposed to live. I know it has something to do with Sarah’s death and the strangeness of my life, the dissociation I sometimes feel, the unreality. What is this place?

My youngest nephew started college last fall and he seemed to make a great transition to the school he chose. He found friends, liked his roommate, and got good grades. But he decided he wanted to transfer to another school, one where he felt the students would be more serious. For some reason his decision made me very uncomfortable and anxious. What if he didn’t like the new place? What if he missed his friends? Could he go back?

Last night my brother texted and said my nephew was accepted at one of his favorites and would probably accept. Again, bad anxiety for me and even some tears. I know this must be triggering me somehow. But he’s not lost. He’s not going to die.

People who can make these changes in their lives and still hold on to the past are brave. It’s important to be able to do that. Right now I feel very old and unable to transition very well to new experiences and people. Too much fear of loss. I’m trying to incorporate a little bit of newness, but it’s hard.