Cycle

I had a dream about Sarah last night, which is so unusual. She was a baby in the dream and I was trying to get her to daycare, somewhere far away from our house. I was carrying her in my arms and I had lost her stroller somewhere along the way. She was so placid in the dream, so calm and confident in my arms that I would get her there, even though it was one of those dreams where we were encountering endless weird obstacles to get her there. She just looked up at me with the big blue eyes she had as an infant and a contented expression.

It made me feel better, because lately I’ve been torturing myself with obsessive thoughts that somehow I was mean to Sarah and didn’t respond to her needs. I know this wasn’t true. She was the one and only person in my life I was always always totally devoted to. But I torment myself that I wasn’t. Sometimes I think this is a way of keeping connected to her, these obsessive and tormenting thoughts, like I’m trying to create new memories. But they are painful.

The painful and false obsessive thoughts make me want to eat. To have something to just numb them away. Which isn’t a good cycle because that just ends up making me feel bad too.

So I’m in a shitty cycle right now and trying to figure a way out of it.