Author: zaazaazuu

I had a dream about Sarah last night, which is so unusual. She was a baby in the dream and I was trying to get her to daycare, somewhere far away from our house. I was carrying her in my arms and I had lost her stroller somewhere along the way. She was so placid… Continue reading Cycle

Today while I was out and about, I stopped to have lunch at Panera, and a woman approached my table rather shyly and embarrassedly. She said, I know this is a very strange question — and at first I thought it flashed through my mind that she was going to ask me something about Sarah’s… Continue reading Temple Sinai

Yesterday was the Second Annual Gilbert Games at Wheaton High School, held in Sarah’s memory. We had a good day there. The event was actually much bigger than last year. This year there were kids with disabilities from seven different county schools who were bused in. The administrators told us they had schools all across… Continue reading Field Day

Many bereaved moms I know seemed to have dreaded Mothers’ Day. I didn’t find it particularly difficult this year, any more so than any other day. I told Max to just get some flowers and a card from him and Sarah and that’s it, and he did a good job. A sweet card and some… Continue reading Mothers’ Day

I wish I could dream about Sarah. I’ve only really had a couple of dreams about her, other than the drug-induced feeling she was holding my hand when I broke my wrist. I had one dream where she was telling me she wanted me to love again, and another dream where I was holding her… Continue reading Newness

One of my many readers contacted me today concerned because I haven’t been blogging and checking on me to make sure that I’m okay. That was kind of her. The truth is I’m not sure why I took a break. I know I feel a bit better. Sometimes. When I don’t feel shitty. That’s the… Continue reading What Have I Done For Me Lately

So here I am feeling a bit better right now and thinking fewer guilty thoughts and ruminating less about the day of Sarah’s death. I really hope this lasts and is a trend rather than a cycle. Grief tends to come in waves and I guess it’s inevitable that I will get down again, but… Continue reading Solo Swim

This may sound like it was written by Yoda. I guess a lot of my posts lately have been a little airy fairy. I’ve been thinking about the difference between fate and destiny. This started after I watched an interesting documentary series on HBO about motifs in cinema. The narrator, who is a film professor,… Continue reading Destiny

The key to dealing with the constant “what if” thoughts that grieving parents ruminate on, so I’m told, is to refocus yourself with an “even if” thought. Because I find myself harping on the notion that I shouldn’t have been away from home when Sarah died, that I could somehow have prevented her death if… Continue reading Even If

Both Max and I are trying to get out and do more things. The Parakeet Lady wants me to try to do some new activities and Max’s sponsor is also pushing him to get out more and do more things outside the house. We talked about the fact that this is really hard. I feel… Continue reading The New