Yesterday afternoon I got a text from my father telling me that my sister-in-law is in the hospital due to a serious health issue that occurred while she and my brother were vacationing. She is in good hands, but will have to have some surgery and remain in the hospital for a couple of weeks.… Continue reading PTSD
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Valhoma
There’s no word in our culture to describe the unique status of a parent who has lost a child to early death, the way we would say ‘widow’ or widower about a bereaved spouse, or orphan about a child with dead parents. A few months ago as I was cruising the Death and Grief Internet,… Continue reading Valhoma
Taconic Parkway
It seems to be the symbol of all my guilt and grief at this point. Why? I was not at home when Sarah died. I had gone up to New York City on Tuesday afternoon August 16 to help my Dad, who is 90, tour an independent living facility in Albany. It was so rare… Continue reading Taconic Parkway
I Hope You’re Getting Good Support
This has to be among my least favorite things for people to say to me. There seems to be an implied “But not from me” at the end of it, as if the Venn Diagram of Support offers a large, vast interlocking network of caretakers and caregivers and groups and therapists and so forth keeping… Continue reading I Hope You’re Getting Good Support
Things I Never Wanted To Change
This morning when I got up as usual at a little before 4 a.m. and scanned three or four news websites, I came across an article in the New York Times stating that elite Supreme Court clerks (these are the young lawyers that assist the judges in writing decisions for a year or two, for… Continue reading Things I Never Wanted To Change
Signs
Since Sarah’s death I’ve done a lot of reading on grief and mourning and child loss and death, both “how to” manuals and memoirs written by parents of dead children. There’s a lot of stuff out there. I have read straightforward “What To Expect During The First Year” how-to’s, similar to when I was pregnant… Continue reading Signs
Guilt
Lately it occurs to me that I’ve moved past those early feelings of bewilderment, denial, and shock that were so hard. There was almost an electric shock to my body when I would realize anew that Sarah was dead. As if I were being zapped awake. I had irrational thoughts that she would reappear, that… Continue reading Guilt
Big questions
One of the issues I wrestle with since August 18 is whether I am still a mother. When your only child dies, are you a parent anymore? Max and I not only really, really enjoyed being Sarah’s parents, but because of her progressive and rare medical condition our whole lives basically revolved around her care.… Continue reading Big questions
Of course, this is nothing compared to what you are going through
I hear this so much. It seems like every time I have a real moment of connectivity with someone or get to spend a little while talking about their issues for a few minutes, I get slammed back to inner space. In their minds, their problems are not relatable to la grande tragedie. I am… Continue reading Of course, this is nothing compared to what you are going through
Encountering Death Outside Strosnider’s
Yesterday I drove up to Whole Foods and Strosnider’s on a little errand. I’m trying to make myself leave the house every day, which is often hard to do. I’ve needed some large nails for several weeks, so I went into Strosnider’s, and I thought I would check out the cakes at Whole Foods for… Continue reading Encountering Death Outside Strosnider’s
The First Year Without Sarah 