In the evening yesterday I became very anxious thinking about Sarah’s birthday coming up in February. It’s her 18th birthday, and I had started thinking about how much children change in just a couple of years. I was looking at photos of Sarah from 2018 up until 2022 when she died, and her face and body changed… Continue reading Late January
Tag: child loss
Bright-siding
I should pay attention to ways I am doing better lately and try to remember that I’m actually improving. Although I still cry every day, and think about Sarah all the time, and wonder why the world doesn’t think about her too, I am able to do some of the things again that I used to… Continue reading Bright-siding
Build-a-Bear
Sarah’s birthday is coming up in February. To be truthful, Sarah’s birthday always caused me a lot of anxiety, because I worried so much about whether other kids would show up to her party. She still wanted a party long after other kids had aged out of birthday parties with cake and activities. For instance, in Fifth Grade,… Continue reading Build-a-Bear
Hot Potato
Yesterday I watched a documentary about The Wiggles on Amazon called Hot Potato. I had lost track of The Wiggles after about 2009, when Sarah moved on to The Doodlebops and other obsessions. The Wiggles remarked in the documentary that their fanbase turns over about every three years, as young children age out of toddlerhood. I had… Continue reading Hot Potato
Screen Shot
For several months I really felt I had nothing to offer my readers and I was pretty determined to stop writing permanently. A couple of days ago a little voice in my head made me decide to go back. Why? I’m not sure. At odd moments, I smell the most intense floral scent. It is an intense scent, like… Continue reading Screen Shot
Hopkins
I have to take my Dad up to Johns Hopkins today, to the main hospital, for a scan. It’s going to pretty much take up the whole day and I’ve arranged to take off work. It’s a bit of a drag because, well, waiting around a hospital is never a whole lot of fun and… Continue reading Hopkins
Next Life
When Sarah first died, I often heard the cliche that “the second year is harder than the first.” This refers to grief, not toddlers. It was hard for me to understand why that would be, and people had a hard time unpacking any explanation. I’ve come to think it’s because the first year is all… Continue reading Next Life
Louis
A woman posted on my parenting chat forum (where all the posts are anonymous) about her difficulties accepting an unexpected disability in her four month old infant. She posted about a month ago, and I just saw her post, so I guess the baby is around five months old now. She was a little incoherent,… Continue reading Louis
Life Expectancy
Yesterday I was thinking about a special needs kid who Sarah rode the Camp JCC bus with, and the thought flashed through my mind that this girl would have to ride alone now. Then I remembered that she had died a few months before Sarah. Like Sarah she died in her sleep. This led me… Continue reading Life Expectancy
Badge
I kind of cried my way through the Compassionate Friends meeting yesterday. When we arrived at the meeting, we were given personalized badges that were made for us by one of the group leaders who does this sort of thing for the newish members. They are just plastic badges with clips on them, and there’s… Continue reading Badge
The First Year Without Sarah 