Did I mention that Max is having surgery on Friday? On his back, which he has had problems with basically forever. This is his second back surgery in the last five years. It’s outpatient surgery and I guess it’s not that big a deal but I’m a little worried about it. I’m also looking forward… Continue reading TGIM
Tag: death
Twilight Zone
Although I’ve been doing pretty well this past week, yesterday I started having intrusively delusional and tragically inappropriate thoughts that maybe — okay, hear me out on this — I’m the one who is dead, not Sarah. That maybe, as if my life were a Twilight Zone episode or a Stephen King novel, I actually… Continue reading Twilight Zone
Doodlebop Pledge
So we went to our first Compassionate Friends meeting yesterday evening. Feelings are mixed but initial impressions were good. We were thoroughly and warmly welcomed by the rather large group of facilitators, given name tags, shown their refreshment table and lending library. We got a good vibe from the leaders, who seemed to have genuine… Continue reading Doodlebop Pledge
Stuart in the Sky
It’s important for me to keep reminding myself that Sarah was not a little kid when she died. She was a teenager. I’ve been sending myself a lot of messages in the last few weeks that reinforce the notion of Sarah being “out there” on her own, helpless, away from us, separated, lost. This just… Continue reading Stuart in the Sky
Separation Anxiety
Sarah had the usual infant’s separation anxiety. I remember when we introduced her to her Uncle Jeff at about six months, and he picked her up from my arms, she began crying to go back to me. I found it very gratifying that she was so attached to us. But now I feel like the… Continue reading Separation Anxiety
Good Talking
Someone made a negative remark about cremation yesterday in a TV show I was watching. That the family was just tossing away their loved one and burning them up. But we really couldn’t bear to think of Sarah outside the house without us in some cemetery by herself. She never wanted to spend a single… Continue reading Good Talking
Real Grief
I really hope that at this time next year I can look back on this summer and just think, Wow, I was really a total mess. What a hard time I was having. I don’t know how I got through that, thank the Lord I won’t ever feel that shitty again. I always felt like… Continue reading Real Grief
Iceland
Max’s birthday dinner was a pretty good time. We dressed up and ate a lot: appetizers, main course, deserts. We found adequate topics of conversation and I didn’t cry when Sarah’s name came up. We held hands across the table. I remember for last year’s birthday, Sarah and I got Max three balloons, small ones,… Continue reading Iceland
Toll House
Today is Max’s birthday and I want it to be good for him. I don’t want to be a drag or be irritable and a depressed mess and bring everything down. I’m doing everything I can to try to raise my mood. I started another troll post on my anonymous parenting website. The theme is… Continue reading Toll House
Control
Did I do much of anything yesterday? The cleaners came, so I tried to get out of the house and out of their way, and I bought some bagels, and I just drove around for a while. Part of me still really feels this strong urge to go — somewhere — but I have no… Continue reading Control
The First Year Without Sarah 